Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Rough Days

Just as a forewarning, this post is about something quite personal that happened to me recently, and I will not be going into details of that event. I would also appreciate not being asked to divulge what happened - the people I wanted to speak to about it, I have already spoken to, and it was a small number of very close friends.

Almost two weeks ago, I had a long discussion with someone very close to me. Now this discussion took place at three in the morning, and in hindsight, I should've known how that was going to end from the start. Nothing good ever comes from a 3am discussion about ANYTHING.

However, I wouldn't say it was all bad either.

Yes, I ended up heartbroken, and yes, that hurt like hell. But I'm alive. I'm ok.

It was a horribly confusing next few days. See, I am the worst kind of person. And by that, I mean I literally cannot decide on anything. I can't decide on food, I can't decide on how I feel, I can't decide what mind numbing task I want to do to prevent me being bored. I literally cannot decide a single thing in my life. But then, in terms of not being able to decide how I feel, once I decide how I feel, I usually repress that feeling and hope it will go away because as well as being indecisive, I also can't confront anything. At all.

So, this particular feeling that I had to confront and be honest about a couple of weeks ago...is one I have known about for almost two and a half years. I know I'm being vague, but I want to protect the details of what happened.

After the entire thing was over, I felt numb. Partly because I was freezing my ass off on my friend's bedroom floor, and partly because I didn't exactly know how to react. I fell asleep feeling rather troubled and woke up feeling even more confused. Only I had one more feeling to add to the mix that morning - hurt.

I drove home in a daze, and that freaking song from Fast 7 kept insisting on playing, which didn't make me feel any better.

I didn't realise it at the time because I felt so out of sorts, but I was pretty pissed off. I didn't want to be, and I couldn't feel it, so I assumed I wasn't. But after a couple of days passed, I went 'Ok, I'm pissed'. But now I actually feel ok.

I know some people may be thinking 'It's not REAL heartbreak if you're over it in two weeks'. Well, I'm not over it yet...but I have accepted it and I truly am doing just fine. It'll be some time before I actually start to move on, I think, but that's ok. I can manage. I'm truly fortunate that the person involved in the other half of this equation is one of my closest friends. They are one of the kindest most understanding people I've come to know, and I'm thankful it was them I went through all this crap with because it could've been seriously awkward had it been ANYONE else.

I held fast to the things I love to get me through those rough few days following. I wrote in my writer's journal like a crazy person. I sang along to my music, like fully belting it out as I drove down the freeway to and from uni. And most of all?

I clung to Divergent.

It sounds silly, I know. It's just a book series.

But to me, it's more than that. It's incredibly inspiring. I reminded myself to be brave like Tris. I prided myself on the level of honesty I had showed that night. I've never been so openly and brutally honest with people before, because it's hard for me to talk about such personal things like that. I told myself that I would have made Candor proud (anyone who has read Divergent will understand that).

I drew Tris' bird tattoo in the front of my writing journal as a reminder to myself to be brave, to be honest, and to be selfless.

Who knows, I might get it as a tattoo one day :)

Now it's getting so cold that my fingers can't exactly type, so I'm gonna end this here with one last note.

I'm doing fine. Thank you to everyone who listened to me rant over the past week. I love and trust you all immensely. You know who you are.

And to the person who knows every inch of what this is about...thank you for being who you are. You truly are an incredible person and I would trust you with my life.

I've been so vague and wishy washy, but that's ok. This whole blog is a mess, an accurate representation of my life. Lol. Ok, truly ending here.